Saving me & mine...

In January 2012, I suffered an early term pregnancy loss. Suffered is putting it mildly. After years of trying it opened up a whole new world of pain I forgot existed. To see that positive test and have my body rip it away immediately was mind numbing and soul wrecking.

It made me realize not only how bad I really wanted another child, but how bad TTC is hurting me.

I have come to a long and hard decision. Instead of "TTC in 2012" and stopping TTC at the end of the year... we're "TTC a 2012 baby". I have an appointment for my annual exam on March 28th. It should be right around the time I ovulate for a late December EDD. If I am not pregnant in time for a 2012 EDD, I'm getting back on birth control to preserve what fertility I DO have left until IVF is feasible for us or my uterine problems finally cause need for a hysterectomy.

I love TTC (to an extent obvisouly) and I DO want another child so friggin badly, but I just can't do this anymore. It's tearing me apart.... and one huge thing makes me believe this is the right choice: no tears when I made the decision, and even more telling no tears anymore listening to and singing  aloud to Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die For That."

If you've never TTC you will never understand how much that song hurts.. if you have... you understand why I feel that no tears is a huge turning point. The song still pulls at my heart, but for other reasons I now believe. Amy, Mike & Jackson - Michelle, John, & Riley - Trish, Dave, & Sam.. (just to name very few miracles "in" my life) now give that song the message of hope that it should, rather than the feelings of despair that it did.

I have to stop the cycle of hope, pain, and depression. Not just for me, but for my family.

• My girls have started talking about stuff  "for our baby"... and while I was ok for a long time with hurting myself with the "what ifs" I cannot do it to them.
• My husband has a valid point.. well several.
• That while I am trying to start a career this is no longer the best time to try
• That I am stressing myself out over things I really can't control and it would be fine to TTC if I just could stop caring so much... and we know that can't happen!
• My husband has never uttered one word about this, but I know the loss affected him. He saw a message on my phone about testing and thought I was hiding a BFP surprise from him.
• The stress of TTC and the effect it has on my emotions causes a LOT of spats.. fights.. WARS in our marriage. I admit that usually I am to blame because I can't express myself and I lash out ot everything. He deserves better.
• Believe it or not, I am not upset about this decision. I am oddly comforted. I have a goal: get pregnant. I have a expiration date: EDD December 2012. I have an alternative: birth control until another option becomes available.

Do I WANT to get pregnant before my EDD goal runs out? HELL YES! Will I be upset if I do not meet that goal? Right now. I don't know.

I do know that this is what I need, and my emotions, or lack thereof make me believe that is it the CORRECT decision. I'm good with this.. it's a relief.

I'm ending this with the song that everyone who knows an infertile should hear.. and you know what. EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN, because LIKE it or not, KNOW it or not, BELIEVE it or not, someone you know IS an infertile... and most can't/won't admit it because they know so very few people who would understand.

Fertile thoughts for winter...

As Christmas runs around again I think of Christmases past..
Some spent excited over the new life growing inside me... some spent missing the lives I had lost... and as I now sit thinking of all of these things as I decorate our home for Christmas with my children, and hang my angel ornaments on the tree. This Christmas, and the past several, I have loved the children I have, loved and missed the ones I have lost, and loved and longed for the one that is alluding me... my little caboose, the one final child I ache for.

Earlier in the month I celebrated my 34th birthday. My loving husband and girls took me to dinner then we had fattening dessert & Starbucks coffee.. no cake for us by the way because the

 sign was on  at Krispy Kreme and the inner Californians in us could not resist (NO, I don't care of KK is from Cali or not it is where WE found KK.!!!). It was a great day except for ONE thing... I was on CD #2... a perfect day ruined the day before it started.

You see I had had grand plans for THIS birthday. November's vacation to California to celebrate my grandfather-in-law's life after his passing had filled me with renewed hope in my fertility, in love, in life, in family. I was hoping against all the odds against me to return home and get that special "Birthday BFP" that everyone wishes for. I gave my self a 35 year old TTC cut-off date, not because I couldn't conceive  past then, but because I'm already high risk and don't think I can mentally handle the added stress and HR of being of "advance maternal age", and I just KNEW that 34 would be the magic number for me.

So now I sit. 34 + 9 days and I try to keep the faith in my "reproductivity". I have time to conceive this child I long for so badly. Some days I am in mental anguish over it. Some days I feel... blank - like there is no emotion to feel for this thing I cannot grasp. But always there is a hope that it will happen... not only for me, but for all my infertile sisters who long for a child so badly..

To all my sisters I say, let's keep this hope alive.

To a very special sister who has a beautiful new angel this Christmas, I offer all the hope and love that I can muster that your 2012 holiday picture shows a smiling family of 4 for Julian and his tiny angel predecessor to shine down upon. 

To anyone else reading this blog post.. hug a mother today, but remember that just because a woman does not have children you can see does not mean that she is not a mother. She may have angels awaiting her in heaven you don;t know about. She may have lost a child too soon to pre-term birth, SIDS, terrible accidents, or even had a stepchild she loved ripped from her arms. She may be an infertile who has never conceived, but the love she has in her heart for the child she would give anything for is nothing short of the love that we "traditional" mothers give the children we have living under our roof. It takes something very special to be a mother... love.

Wordless Wednesday...sorta

Infertility is not a 4 letter word

So yeah you know how most 4 latter words are taboo??? WHY is infertility taboo? I just counted.. 11 letters people!!!!

Maybe as I reach my 18 month TTC a third child (and that is just THIS round) I am a little bitter. I'm scarred. I'm torn. I'm angry.. no, I'm pissed. And I'm hurt... I've also had a reality check.

I am a member on a WONDERFUL mommy board. It has all stages of mommydom: waiting to conceive, trying to conceive, pregnancies, babies, tweens & teens, and all the way to grandparents.

I started out there as a guide in Waiting to Conceive (WTTC). I met some WONDERFUL ladies. I witnessed some "oops" pregnancies. I drooled over some adorable babies!

I began TTC and moved on as a guide in Trying to Conceive. I met even more wonderful ladies, watched the women I met in WTTC begin their TTC journey and move on to due date clubs (DDCs) and on to baby playgroups. MORE BABIES TO DROOL OVER!!!

I have been a guide in TTC for almost a year. There are no more "old faces"... except me. Many women who found they had fertility issues moved on to a new board: Fertility Problems, Treatments, and Long Term Trying to Conceive (LTTTC). I visited back & forth because I do have fertility problems (one tube, long term ttc) but I loved the eagerness and hope of the new faces. I still do!! I love being able to share my charting knowledge etc with them.

Today I moved on.

I am now the "unofficial" guide of  LTTTC. Only unofficial because the mods haven't had a chance to get my name switched over yet. I know these women well. We all come from  the same place... longing for a baby and medical intervention is the only way that it is going to happen. I'm sad but... not resigned. I'm.. ready.

It's a new phase. Rather than being frustrated alone with well meaning wishes, I'll be frustrated with other frustrated women who "get it". Maybe this will be easier on me now?

At any rate.. I'm sick on infertility. But I am not standing silent anymore. It happens. It's real. It is a medical issue and it doesn't make me a freakshow.

Yes, I have children.
Yes, I am 33.
YES, I WANT ONE MORE!!
Yes, I am battling infertility to get pregnant again.

And if you don't like that??? Well YOU need the reality check.. not me.

I hate to be hopeful...

but then stupid damned things happen that get my hopes up and I over think things! I'm 4dpo today. I have an absolutely rotten chance of getting/being pregnant this month because George was on a work trip when I ovulated, but I had a horrid bloody nose this morning. It lasted 2 hours!!! and not just bloody/runny but huge blood clots. I haven;t had any major issues with my sinuses in a while so I can't imagine what it could be. Then someone on the mommy board reminded me that another woman we know had bloody noses early in her pregnancy.. well before a pregnancy test would have picked up. Like 6dpo? So now I have the maybe's... /sigh. I hate the maybes....

Cycle 17 TTC #3.. some more

I've passed the point of crying, being sad, and I'm almost past being angry. I'm resigned.

For a little back story to the new comers....

I have been trying to add my little caboose (last baby) to this family since April 2007! April 2008 I got pregnant only to lose that baby to the most uncommon ectopic pregnancy (at the joining of the tube & uterus...), and I also lost that right tube. We were told to not TTC again as it was too dangerous. A year later I got a 2nd opinion that said we could. October 2009 we started TTC  for our 5th and final time.. and now here I am. Cycle 17 TTC #3.. again.

Now, with business trips, an injured back (his), and  a late ovulation, and one whole intimate night in my fertile window, I was not surprised to not catch the eggie this month.. but it would have been nice, yeah? Bah.

Anyway, an amazingly blessed friend of mine who was told they'd never conceive because DH had NO sperm count , that even IVF wasn't an option.. who is 18 wks and expecting their baby boy!!!! is sending me her holistic medicine arsenal and Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (forever hereafter called CBEFM).

Why not.. it's a few things I haven't tried yet! I have to get back on my diet hard core and get my body healthy, and I have to start my fertility massages. (Get your head out the gutter it's an abdominal massage!)

Something has to give. I graduate in just over a year and go to work... and stop TTC forever. Come on girly bits!! Wake up!  

Dec 26 - CD1

Not much else to say.. on to 2011!

Hoping there is a Christmas Miracle...

So I'll start with this photo:





Yes, this is my final chart of 2010. Some of my friends seem to think it is my last chart ever.. why?
They (the ladies at TMP that is) think that this is a beautiful chart and that I have a baby bean implanting...

I don;t see anything special about it... But, man I hope they're right.


ETA: This chart was posted on CD25.. when it still looked hopeful

Friendship & miracles

I know this is MY blog but I have to drag friends into it today because it HAS TO mean something!!!!

I got positive OPKs Saturday & Sunday and a .3 temp spike today....

My TTC bestie got put on Metformin, got her first positive opk Sunday, first ever peak/eggie on her CBEFM Saturday, and a .3 temp spike today. Which I swear means her first EVER ovulation!!!!

Two other wonderful TTC friends got positive OPKs Sunday, and one uses CBEFM and got peak yesterday and today...

We're sharing all these positive lines now... and although I don;t usually get my hopes up, I hope that this means a mass exodus from TTC very soon!!!

Just some thoughts...

The marathon was a failure so while we are continuing to TTC I figure if that many sperm can't catch one egg with a nice strong O spike, it must not be getting where it needs to go somehow. So we're going through the motions, but I'm going to try to get an HSG at the beginning of the year.

It's weird. When I hit the 1 yr mark I got very.. cynical?? about TTC for a while, even renamed the blog!! But now that I have literally given it the best shot possible... opk w/ confirmed O charting, pre-seed, vitamins & supplements, more sex than I knew what to do with... when AF got here I wasn't even surprised... and though I was disappointed, the pain was gone.

I think I've hit a point where I've accepted infertility until I can find a way to fight it. It's liberating in a way, but still a pain in the ass. Not that I'll stop TTC, but I'm more accepting of the fact now...

Well, It's that time again....

I'm still pretty resigned to the fact that I won't get pregnant without medical intervention, but It's OPK time again.. CD9.. ok I'm a little early. I forgot what CD I was on LOL!  The girls like stalking so it's all good :D

It's the little things...

AF is gone, DH is home, my kitchen is clean and I own clean clothes... all in all not a bad weekend.

I also lost another pound!! WHOOOO! I have hit the 5 lbs down goal! It may not sound like a lot, but just a 5lb loss brought my BMI under 40! I'm really doing this.. one day at a time!

40 kazillion sperm cannot get me pregnant...

So we did this 30 in 30 challenge (being intimate 30x in 30days) and got more than 1/2 in BEFORE O.
I got my OPKs in 3 days before my spike, got pretty lines, and I ovulated beautifully, right on time.
Perfect charting spike said I O'd and my temp stayed up...
4 days ago I started spotting.  On/Off. Test. On/Off. Test.
Today at about 1 am I started AF in full.

I guess 40 kazillion sperm cannot get me pregnant...

So, DH wants to order Zumba for me since i'm loving it (see previous post). If I can't get pregnant I'll just get skinny! Still TTC for sure... just focusing on me for a change.

Angela had a GREAT idea!

Angela had this wonderful little blurb on her TMP signature block

"No more siggy until my BFP!"

and I thought WOW! Brilliant!! Every month she and I pound our heads trying to think of something hopeful and new to out in our siggy... now.. it is over.

I made this:


It will link back here to my blog which should explain why i'm tired of siggys...

In other news:

• I'm 12dpo, spotting has stopped and I'm still getting BFNs...more testing in TWO DAYS.
• DH is on a business trip so the 30 day challenge is on hold. He will be attacked 6 times in 4 days when he gets back! Mwwahahahahaa!
• If I am not pregnant (ie 40 kazillion sperm CAN'T get me pregnant) I am going on the PCOS diet with Angela and starting Zumba. George wants to buy it for me.

Thats all for today...

Happy Halloween here's a BFN!

I don't know what more I can say other than the title ~ I just wanted to update.. I really don't have my hopes up anymore, but my spotting stopped when I thought it was AF on the way and I was confused. FMU after about 9 hours sleep and BFN. I guess now I just wait some more....

Think positive thoughts

All the girls on the board are going nuts. i am having an amazing cycle. My post O temps on my chart are steady (ish) and going UP.... apparently my worries about my BBT earlier in my cycle were unfounded. I dare say that if it goes up again and/or stays up I may see a triphasic pattern. (bi-phasic is when temps go up after O.. triphasic is IF they go up a second "step".) Good pregnancy charts do this.. some don't.. some non-pregnancy charts do it.. it's totally random IMO. But in the world of charting, It's pretty :)

All this leads me to happy thoughts, but guarded ones. After a year TTC, I have no more "gut" feelings that scream "I'm PREGNANT!" a week before testing, but I can say that I like the positiveness of my chart. Pregnant or not it is a bonus. My body is trying to do what is it supposed to, not being all wacky.

If I am, well HALLELUJAH!! If I'm not, at this point it's no big shock... I'll buy a six pack of the Mike's Hard PINK Lemonade I've been wanting and I'll move along :)

We'll see in a week. I am remaining guardedly hopeful. Because at this point in the game, hope is what gets us through.

CROSSHAIRS!!!!

I has some.

WOOT!!! For those of you that don;t understand that means that Fertility Friend has decided that I have indeed ovulated and put the pretty red lines that indicate this on my chart.

Now.. we wait....

Ovulation achieved!

Sometimes my post-o temp spike leaves me wondering...

Hmmm.. is that 3/10ths spike gonna stay up?
Nope, went down 1/10th today.
Ooo.. it went back up!
Oh wait, yep FF gives crosshairs at 3dpo, so i guess I did.
Did I really ovulate?
Wow, low coverline.
Is my progesterone high enough?

This month there is no wonder. It's simple.

My temperature rose  by  a full 1/2 (.5) of a degree overnight.
Yes. I ovulated.

It also rose ANOTHER 2/10ths last night. Definitely a clear thermal shift! I wish it was always this simple.

We have definitely reached maximum BDing for the alloted time, so all we do now, is sit back, share some more of the awesome intimacy we've got going this month, and wait a few weeks to test for pregnancy.

Halloween Morning.. .COME ON BFP!

Baby, when you read this, I'm sorry for all the crap you don;t understand LOL! Simply put.. I definitely ovulated. This is good :) refer to the sidebar if you would like abbreviation help :) I love you!

Temperature confusion

With a positive OPK Monday and a negative yesterday, I surely thought I would see a temp spike today indicating I ovulated at some point in the last 24 hours.... only I didn't. GAAAH!!

I mean let's face it, sex isn't the issue. I'm getting plenty of it and getting it goodly. And it doesn't look like we're stopping any time soon LOL! It's just the confirmation of ovulation I am after. And before any of you (Patty!) yell at me for not checking CM - I CAN'T. I'm having so much sex I wouldn't recognize CM if it was running down my leg.

Anyway, I have been at 97.1 for a few days, and only 97.2 today. The one higher temp I discarded was because I had woke up squashed between George & Kae and sweating my ass off  LOL! I'm beginning to wonder if my thermometer needs new batteries. I haven't changed them in years.

I'm going to keep using OPKs another 2-3 days to make sure the line leaves just so I know my surge is gone and it wasn't a fluke surge/positive OPK that didn't lead to O. Since I'm not sure if I can trust my thermometer, that's all I can think to do.

Any other suggestions?

CD13 FTW!

Well yesterday's OPK was..... POSITIVE!! (pics on the "Save me" page!)

Since we're well into our marathon, I'm not overly concerned but I am exciting to see that my cycle will probably be NORMAL this month, not insane and long like last month.

My temp was still low this morning so I expect another positive OPK today and maybe a temp rise tomorrow. At the latest I think I'll get my temp rise by Thursday and IF the hubs needs a break I'll give him one Friday LOL! Maybe... naaah!