Saving me & mine...

In January 2012, I suffered an early term pregnancy loss. Suffered is putting it mildly. After years of trying it opened up a whole new world of pain I forgot existed. To see that positive test and have my body rip it away immediately was mind numbing and soul wrecking.

It made me realize not only how bad I really wanted another child, but how bad TTC is hurting me.

I have come to a long and hard decision. Instead of "TTC in 2012" and stopping TTC at the end of the year... we're "TTC a 2012 baby". I have an appointment for my annual exam on March 28th. It should be right around the time I ovulate for a late December EDD. If I am not pregnant in time for a 2012 EDD, I'm getting back on birth control to preserve what fertility I DO have left until IVF is feasible for us or my uterine problems finally cause need for a hysterectomy.

I love TTC (to an extent obvisouly) and I DO want another child so friggin badly, but I just can't do this anymore. It's tearing me apart.... and one huge thing makes me believe this is the right choice: no tears when I made the decision, and even more telling no tears anymore listening to and singing  aloud to Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die For That."

If you've never TTC you will never understand how much that song hurts.. if you have... you understand why I feel that no tears is a huge turning point. The song still pulls at my heart, but for other reasons I now believe. Amy, Mike & Jackson - Michelle, John, & Riley - Trish, Dave, & Sam.. (just to name very few miracles "in" my life) now give that song the message of hope that it should, rather than the feelings of despair that it did.

I have to stop the cycle of hope, pain, and depression. Not just for me, but for my family.

• My girls have started talking about stuff  "for our baby"... and while I was ok for a long time with hurting myself with the "what ifs" I cannot do it to them.
• My husband has a valid point.. well several.
• That while I am trying to start a career this is no longer the best time to try
• That I am stressing myself out over things I really can't control and it would be fine to TTC if I just could stop caring so much... and we know that can't happen!
• My husband has never uttered one word about this, but I know the loss affected him. He saw a message on my phone about testing and thought I was hiding a BFP surprise from him.
• The stress of TTC and the effect it has on my emotions causes a LOT of spats.. fights.. WARS in our marriage. I admit that usually I am to blame because I can't express myself and I lash out ot everything. He deserves better.
• Believe it or not, I am not upset about this decision. I am oddly comforted. I have a goal: get pregnant. I have a expiration date: EDD December 2012. I have an alternative: birth control until another option becomes available.

Do I WANT to get pregnant before my EDD goal runs out? HELL YES! Will I be upset if I do not meet that goal? Right now. I don't know.

I do know that this is what I need, and my emotions, or lack thereof make me believe that is it the CORRECT decision. I'm good with this.. it's a relief.

I'm ending this with the song that everyone who knows an infertile should hear.. and you know what. EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN, because LIKE it or not, KNOW it or not, BELIEVE it or not, someone you know IS an infertile... and most can't/won't admit it because they know so very few people who would understand.

Fertile thoughts for winter...

As Christmas runs around again I think of Christmases past..
Some spent excited over the new life growing inside me... some spent missing the lives I had lost... and as I now sit thinking of all of these things as I decorate our home for Christmas with my children, and hang my angel ornaments on the tree. This Christmas, and the past several, I have loved the children I have, loved and missed the ones I have lost, and loved and longed for the one that is alluding me... my little caboose, the one final child I ache for.

Earlier in the month I celebrated my 34th birthday. My loving husband and girls took me to dinner then we had fattening dessert & Starbucks coffee.. no cake for us by the way because the

 sign was on  at Krispy Kreme and the inner Californians in us could not resist (NO, I don't care of KK is from Cali or not it is where WE found KK.!!!). It was a great day except for ONE thing... I was on CD #2... a perfect day ruined the day before it started.

You see I had had grand plans for THIS birthday. November's vacation to California to celebrate my grandfather-in-law's life after his passing had filled me with renewed hope in my fertility, in love, in life, in family. I was hoping against all the odds against me to return home and get that special "Birthday BFP" that everyone wishes for. I gave my self a 35 year old TTC cut-off date, not because I couldn't conceive  past then, but because I'm already high risk and don't think I can mentally handle the added stress and HR of being of "advance maternal age", and I just KNEW that 34 would be the magic number for me.

So now I sit. 34 + 9 days and I try to keep the faith in my "reproductivity". I have time to conceive this child I long for so badly. Some days I am in mental anguish over it. Some days I feel... blank - like there is no emotion to feel for this thing I cannot grasp. But always there is a hope that it will happen... not only for me, but for all my infertile sisters who long for a child so badly..

To all my sisters I say, let's keep this hope alive.

To a very special sister who has a beautiful new angel this Christmas, I offer all the hope and love that I can muster that your 2012 holiday picture shows a smiling family of 4 for Julian and his tiny angel predecessor to shine down upon. 

To anyone else reading this blog post.. hug a mother today, but remember that just because a woman does not have children you can see does not mean that she is not a mother. She may have angels awaiting her in heaven you don;t know about. She may have lost a child too soon to pre-term birth, SIDS, terrible accidents, or even had a stepchild she loved ripped from her arms. She may be an infertile who has never conceived, but the love she has in her heart for the child she would give anything for is nothing short of the love that we "traditional" mothers give the children we have living under our roof. It takes something very special to be a mother... love.

Wordless Wednesday...sorta

Infertility is not a 4 letter word

So yeah you know how most 4 latter words are taboo??? WHY is infertility taboo? I just counted.. 11 letters people!!!!

Maybe as I reach my 18 month TTC a third child (and that is just THIS round) I am a little bitter. I'm scarred. I'm torn. I'm angry.. no, I'm pissed. And I'm hurt... I've also had a reality check.

I am a member on a WONDERFUL mommy board. It has all stages of mommydom: waiting to conceive, trying to conceive, pregnancies, babies, tweens & teens, and all the way to grandparents.

I started out there as a guide in Waiting to Conceive (WTTC). I met some WONDERFUL ladies. I witnessed some "oops" pregnancies. I drooled over some adorable babies!

I began TTC and moved on as a guide in Trying to Conceive. I met even more wonderful ladies, watched the women I met in WTTC begin their TTC journey and move on to due date clubs (DDCs) and on to baby playgroups. MORE BABIES TO DROOL OVER!!!

I have been a guide in TTC for almost a year. There are no more "old faces"... except me. Many women who found they had fertility issues moved on to a new board: Fertility Problems, Treatments, and Long Term Trying to Conceive (LTTTC). I visited back & forth because I do have fertility problems (one tube, long term ttc) but I loved the eagerness and hope of the new faces. I still do!! I love being able to share my charting knowledge etc with them.

Today I moved on.

I am now the "unofficial" guide of  LTTTC. Only unofficial because the mods haven't had a chance to get my name switched over yet. I know these women well. We all come from  the same place... longing for a baby and medical intervention is the only way that it is going to happen. I'm sad but... not resigned. I'm.. ready.

It's a new phase. Rather than being frustrated alone with well meaning wishes, I'll be frustrated with other frustrated women who "get it". Maybe this will be easier on me now?

At any rate.. I'm sick on infertility. But I am not standing silent anymore. It happens. It's real. It is a medical issue and it doesn't make me a freakshow.

Yes, I have children.
Yes, I am 33.
YES, I WANT ONE MORE!!
Yes, I am battling infertility to get pregnant again.

And if you don't like that??? Well YOU need the reality check.. not me.